Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf
by JenLin
Summary: ...and one time he didn't.  Ianto knows exactly how to deal with Jack when things get difficult. One word: decaf.
1. Sound effects

_Just came up with this little thing, let's just hope I actually make it to 6 ;) Suggestions on what Jack could have done to deserve decaf are welcome, as are reviews!_

_Torchwood etc doesn't belong to me.  
_

* * *

**Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf... and one time he didn't.**

**1.**

'I trust you will enjoy your week _sans_ caffeine, then, _sir_' Ianto said, and turned to leave the office.

'Come again?' Jack replied, looking sincerely puzzled.

Ianto turned, and looked back at Jack levelly.

'Decaf. For a week.' was all he said, before leaving the office.

Jack was completely mystified. What had gotten into Ianto? Was this some sort of attempt to make him follow a healthier diet? Because that would just be...

_Oh_, he thought. _Right. __**That**__._

There had been an... _incident_ the previous night, involving an interrupting phone call, made by Ianto's sister, and some less-than-discreet sound effects during it, made by Jack. Jack knew Ianto had been annoyed – he had made it quite clear with his refusal to resume their previous activities after making up an excuse for his sister and quickly finishing the call – but Jack could never have imagined that Ianto would take to such drastic measures.

Jack considered his situation. Ianto had said he'd put him on decaf for a week, and the man was nothing if not consistent. It suddenly dawned on Jack just how screwed he was – and that was definitely not in a good way. He gasped as the image of him, buried in paperwork, and not even a proper cup of Ianto's heavenly coffee to get him through it, flashed through his head.

In less than a second, Jack was out of his office and rushing down the stairs, where the archivist had disappeared only minutes before.

'Ianto!' he shouted, racking his brain for something, anything, that could appease his own personal coffee god.


	2. Catching Weevils

_Here comes another one! Let me know what you think, and any suggestions are also welcome! The more you review, the faster we'll get to the last one, that's all I'm saying ;)_

_I don't own anything, sorry.  
_

* * *

**Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf... and one time he didn't.**

**2.**

'I told you, I had it!'

'It was gonna rip you apart!'

'No, Jack, it wasn't! I had the spray out, _and_ I was pointing a gun at it!'

'It was about to jump you, I saw it!'

'I _told_ you, I was prepared! I was _waiting_ for it to jump! And is that what you think of my aim? That I can't hit a Weevil when it's right in front of me, and not moving? Thanks, Jack, it's great that you hold me in such high esteem!'

'That's not what I meant, and you know it! Your aim is fine, but why take chances?'

'Take chances? What the _fuck_ are you talking about, Jack? You didn't have a problem with Owen or Gwen taking down their Weevils, but when I'm about to catch one, you just _had_ to go and get yourself killed by it, when I had it completely under control!'

'But I'm fine!'

'I KNOW that Jack, but that's not the point! Or do you _like_ dying, is that it? Have you got some sort of idiotic death wish?'

'How DARE you? I throw myself in front of a fucking Weevil and die a painful death, just to make sure you don't have to!'

'I – WAS – FINE! I had it under control! I didn't need you to get yourself killed, and I certainly didn't ask you to do it!

'Fine! Remind me not to bother next time!'

* * *

'Ianto?'

'…'

'I know you're still mad, I tasted the decaf.'

'Have you got complaints, sir?'

'No, I… I just wanted… Don't be mad at me, Ianto, you know I just did it to protect you.'

'I told you, Jack, I don't need you to protect me.'

'I know, I know, it's not rational, but I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt, and I can't help it, it's just some kind of instinct, I suppose…'

'Ok.'

'Ok?'

'Ok. But Jack…'

'Yeah?'

'You're still getting decaf.'


	3. Shirts, props?

_Thank you so much to everyone who alerted and favourited and whatnot! But, if it's not too much to ask, I'd absolutely love a few little reviews... Please?_

_Ok, I'll stop begging now and just get on with it!_

_We all know how important Ianto's suits and shirts etc. are to him. When Jack doesn't respect that, well... Guess what happens? ;)_

_I own nothing, it all belongs to the BBC. Easy to tell, I'd say.  
_

* * *

**Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf... and one time he didn't.**

**3.**

Ianto had heard something rip, but Jack had told him not to turn around, and he had been too far gone at that point to care very much anyway. The only thing he'd been able to concentrate on for more than a few seconds had been the feeling of Jacks hands and lips and tongue and teeth on his skin.

Now, what feels like hours later, he's lying on his bed, panting, with Jack still inside of him. He feels Jack roll off, and lifts his hand to his face to pull off the blindfold Jack has put on him earlier, in one of the many tricks they have been trying out in the bedroom lately. The fabric feels soft, and he rolls it around his fingers absent-mindedly for a while, enjoying the feeling of Jack's warm body stretched out next to his. Until, suddenly, he remembers the ripping sound from before, and takes a closer look at the fabric.

'_Jack!_' he yells, and sits up suddenly.

Jack, still looking a bit dazed from their previous activities, gives Ianto a surprised look.

'Wha'?'

'My shirt! You _ripped_ my _shirt_!'

Ianto is still yelling, and he knows he's sounding more than a little hysterical, but it was one of his favourite shirts, goddammit!

Jack seems to have lost interest in the matter already, preferring to concentrate on drawing circles on Ianto's back with his finger.

'I guess I did. I needed something to blindfold you with, didn't I? It was the first thing I got hold of...'

Which, he soon realises, is not the right thing to say.

'So you just decided to grab my shirt and tear it up for your own amusement?'

Jack attempts a sly grin.

'Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it, too.'

Although Ianto can't deny this, and it would be pointless to even try, considering they were both there to hear the sounds he was making mere minutes ago, he's still annoyed about the destruction of his shirt. He and Jack had had a rare night off, and he had dressed for the occasion, wearing one of his favourite shirts. Jack had rid his shirts of buttons before, on occasion not having the patience for trivial things like that, but those were easy to replace. An entire sleeve, however, was not.

'Aaaw, come on, Ianto, don't sulk,' Jack says when he sees the look on Ianto's face. 'I'll make it up to you. Right now. And I'll get you as many new shirts as you like.'

Ianto seems to consider this. After a few moments' contemplation, he replies.

'Alright, but it better be good. And you're still getting decaf tomorrow.'

He sees the puppy dog eyes Jack tries to make, but he won't give in.

'Maybe that'll teach you not to destroy the property of others,' Ianto finishes with a sly grin, closely matching the one previously shown by Jack.


	4. Caffeine overdose

_I thought it would take me a while to write these, since I haven't felt too inspired to write anything for a while, but I seem to be on a roll. I had also planned to hold on to them for a little longer, and postin one part a day, tops, but who am I kidding? I can't help posting something when it's done :) But reviews would still be very very much appreciated!_

_Sometimes, getting put on decaf isn't as much a punishment, as simple common sense._

_Characters belong to the BBC, etc.  
_

* * *

**Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf... and one time he didn't.**

**4.**

For what was probably the fifth time that afternoon, Ianto heard steps approaching. Since lunch, he'd been working in the archives, trying his best to avoid Jack.

With all that had been going on the past week, Jack had ended up pulling five all nighters back to back, and it was beginning to take its toll. Jack had volunteered, as he didn't sleep very much anyway, and of course he felt responsible for his team. He had sent two of them home every night, to make sure that everyone got to sleep at least a few hours every now and then, but he had stayed, constantly checking for rift activity and hunting weevils and picking up alien artefacts.

At first, Ianto had told Jack he'd stay, too, but after the second night he realised that Jack had a point. He had made a thermos of extra-strong coffee for Jack before leaving on his nights off, hoping it would help a little. Now, however, Ianto realised that five nights of no sleep and ridiculous amounts of strong coffee might not have been such a good idea after all.

Ever since Ianto had turned up in the morning, Jack had been fidgety and restless. He kept asking Ianto for refills, which Ianto didn't have the heart to deny him, and he'd spent most of the day following the members of his team around, too agitated to actually concentrate on any work of his own. When Owen finally had enough, and told Jack to 'go find the tea boy or something', Jack had done just that, quite efficiently disturbing Ianto's work with constant suggestions for sexual favours. So, after lunch Ianto had had enough and fled to the archives, where he hoped Jack wouldn't find him quite so easily.

No such luck, though. It seemed that Jack's newest pastime consisted of either watching Ianto on CCTV, or going down to the archives to ask him questions which any other team member could have replied to just as easily as Ianto.

Ianto sighed as the steps approached, and Jack turned the corner.

'Ianto!' he greeted, an unnaturally wide smile, even for Jack, on his face. 'There you are!'

'Just as I've been for the past four hours, sir,' Ianto replied, and continued his filing, trying hard not to sound too impatient. After all, he was partly to blame for Jack's current state.

'Yes, which is why I came to find you! Don't you think it's time you came back upstairs?'

Ianto sighed again, not even wanting to hear what Jack's explanation for disturbing him was this time. Enough was enough, he decided.

Surprising Jack, Ianto pushed past him and headed for the stairs.

'Great!' Jack said, and followed him. 'Then we can…'

Ianto held up a hand. 'Forget it.'

When they reached the top of the stairs, Ianto walked into the middle of the hub, and cleared his throat to get everybody's attention.

'Jack's taking the night off. We're leaving now, and I don't want to hear any complaints about it. See you all tomorrow!'

Instead of the protests he'd expected to hear, Ianto was met with relieved smiles from Tosh and Gwen, and a mumbled 'About time, he's been pissing me off all day' from Owen.

Jack, on the other hand, looked confused.

'What are you talking about? I need to stay here and…'

'Leave it, Jack. You're a mess from sleep deprivation and too much caffeine. We're going home.' And at the hopeful look on Jack's face, he added: 'And you're going to _sleep_.'

'Oh.' Jack looked disappointed. Then his face brightened. 'Can I have one more coffee before we leave, though?'

'Sure you can,' Ianto replied, 'you can have as many as you like. As long as it's decaf.'


	5. Distraction

_Thanks for the lovely reviews! And, you know, keep them coming ;)_

_Here's number 5, where Jack didn't really do anything wrong, but has to suffer the consequences nonetheless. (But my guess is that it might have been worth it ;) )_

_The boys still don't belong to me, sadly.  
_

* * *

**Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf... and one time he didn't.**

**5.**

'Aaah, Jack, I… No, I don't… I mean… I have to…'

'What was that?' Jack whispered in Ianto's ear, and kept stroking the quickly growing bulge at the front of Ianto's trousers. Ianto swallowed.

'I said, I… I have to… go to… get…'

'Oh, I don't think so, Mr Jones. We've been running our arses off these past days, and now that I finally have you to myself, I'm not planning on letting you go anytime soon.'

As the pressure of Jack's hand increased, Ianto pushed away all objections, and just let go. Soon, he had completely forgotten why he had been so keen to leave in the first place.

* * *

Jack's voice was clear in Ianto's earpiece.

'Ianto. Would you bring me a cup of coffee before the others arrive, please?'

'Jack. Yeah, about that. There seems to be a... problem.'

'Problem? With my coffee?'

Ianto noticed how nervous Jack suddenly sounded.

'Yeah. You know how we've been really busy this week?'

'Yeah?'

Jack didn't seem to see a connection.

'Well, none of us has been able to get away, including me, which means that I haven't been able to get to the shop. We ran out of coffee yesterday, which was actually why I was heading out when you... umm... _distracted_ me.'

Ianto clearly heard how Jack swallowed, as the realisation that he had caused his own misfortune hit him.

'Jack?' he asked when the silence stretched out.

'Oh,' was all Jack managed to say.

'I might get a chance to go and get some when I pick up lunch.'

'Right...'

'But in the meantime...'

'Yeah?'

Jack sounded so hopeful, Ianto almost felt bad having to disappoint him. Almost.

'There's always decaf.'

The reply sounded a lot like a growl.

'Oh, you think that's bad? Guess who's going to be the one to tell Owen why he's not getting his morning coffee?


	6. Attack

_Aaaand voilà, here's the last one! I hope you've enjoyed this little trip to decaf-land, and if you have, telling me about it in a review would make me eternally grateful! ;)_

_Characters are the property of the BBC, yadayadablahblahblah...  
_

* * *

**Five times Ianto Jones put Jack on decaf... and one time he didn't.**

**6.**

'No, no, no, no, NO' Jack was muttering to himself, groaning out loud when the coffee maker started spitting out grayish-brown liquid from all sorts of improbable places. He decided to try another method, and hit the top of the machine hard – after all, that had been the best way to handle computers back in the 90's. The result, however, was not what he'd been looking for…

'FUCK!' he yelled when the coffee maker got its revenge by covering him in the hot, disgusting liquid, which would have needed a lot of good will to even resemble coffee. Jack worked hard to restrain the aggressive feelings he was experiencing for the inanimate, but decidedly evil machine in front of him, which was currently emitting a sound that he thought was as close as a coffee maker could get to laughing. He knew he was in trouble already, and although the damned machine was driving him insane, he knew that if he harmed it any further, he'd face more trouble than it was worth. Ianto would not be happy.

Sighing, Jack took a step back, and examined the chaos in front of him. He had woken up to dreams of dead colleagues in the early hours of the morning, and hadn't been able to fall asleep again. He had briefly considered waking Ianto up for some early morning 'exercise', but had thought better of it when he saw how peaceful the man next to him looked. Jack had stroked Ianto's hair off his forehead, thinking back to the previous week, which hadn't given the pair of them much time to sleep, not to mention other 'activities'.

So, Jack had decided to let Ianto sleep for a little while longer. Then, he had come up with the brilliant (or, in afterthought, disastrous) plan of making Ianto a cup of coffee for when he woke up. Ianto was always the one to bring everybody their coffee and whatever else they needed, so Jack was quite pleased with himself, and with the prospect of being the one to make Ianto coffee for once.

And now, fifteen minutes later, here he was, being spat on by an evil coffee maker, which, incidentally, was Ianto's pride and joy.

'You evil piece of shit, you know he's gonna kill me, right?' Jack said, and glared at the machine.

'You think?' came a voice from behind him, and Jack swallowed audibly. He hadn't expected Ianto to show up quite so quickly; he'd been planning on cleaning the kitchen up a bit, and maybe even making up a cover-story for the damage to the coffee machine, probably including rift activity and some sort of very complicated alien tech. As it was, however, he spun around to meet the eye of a very displeased-looking Welshman.

A very _unclothed_ Welshman, Jack couldn't help but notice, despite the seriousness of the situation. Ianto was only wearing a pair of delightfully tight boxers, and under normal circumstances, Jack would have been quick with an appreciative comment. These, however, were definitely not normal circumstances.

'Ianto!' Jack noticed his voice has suddenly become very high. 'Ianto,' he tried again, attempting a more manly voice this time. 'I didn't know you were awake!'

'I wasn't,' Ianto replied drily, 'until you started shouting up here. I thought a weevil had escaped, but I see the attack was of a... _different nature_.'

Jack hung his head, ashamed of himself. He felt like a scolded puppy. Oh, how wrong it had all gone, and now Ianto would be angry with him for a week, at the very least.

'A week of decaf?' he asked sadly, finally looking up at Ianto.

His expression not changing, Ianto replied 'Oh, I think you deserve something else altogether.'

And then he stepped forward, his face breaking into a big smile, and he kissed Jack hard. Jack, more surprised than anything else, was happy to return it.

When Ianto finally broke the kiss, he touched his forehead to Jack's, and looked him in the eye.

'Don't worry, Jack, I'm not mad. Just... promise me something, okay? Don't ever try to make me coffee again.'


End file.
